Bonus Feature: 27 Ways to Be a Real Man
This is not a typical post for us, but in terms of “going deep” it is about as thorough as you can get.
It was sent to me by one of my son-in-laws, but he didn’t write it.
The original is from the New York Times, and is titled 27 Ways to Be a Modern Man. The appended comments are by my son-in-law’s brother, which I suppose makes him my son-in-law once removed, or nephew-in-law, or I don’t know, family relationships can be pretty confusing in Missouri…
The NY Times article begins by noting the standards of etiquette have changed in the modern age, but the modern man will “take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.”
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
1) A Real Man knows the only mistake larger than shopping for women’s shoes, is depriving his wife of the chance to shop. He just knows better!
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
2) When a Real Man’s confidence has sunk, he merely ramps up his normal level of narcissistic remarks and showboating. This usually results in personal injury and/or embarrassment, but certainly puts things in perspective.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
3) A Real Man does not attend movies with significant periods of silence. If there is enough time to hear “chewing” between scenes of gunfire, car chases, explosions and lines like “are you feeling lucky punk?” – he made a wrong turn somewhere past the concession stand.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
4) No $*** Sherlock! After all, it took some farmer a lot time and corn to pack all that marbling into one steer. The only difference is, a Real Man doesn’t eat a fillet, because a fillet does not come in 12+oz sizes.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
5) A Real Man engages 4-wheel drive and parks on the grass or hops a curb to beat the loser in the Prius to a juicy parking spot.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
6) A Real Man couldn’t give a rats a$$ about the devices of his family members, because he knows that sitting on the toilet and watching YouTube hunting videos, right before bed, is his best chance for quality time with his own device on any given day.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
7) A Real Man knows, that Dew and a 5hr Energy is the best way to gain the energy he needs to finish the final 4 hours of his 12 hour work day. Gitter Done!
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
8) The Real Man uses proper names when scolding his children. Beyond that, he places no limitations on general nomenclature.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
9) A Real Man learns a lot from his daughter, but not as much as she can learn from him – particularly in terms of how to avoid “Modern Men”.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
10) A Real Man invests in modern niceties, such as microwaves, toaster ovens, refrigerators and dishwashers; thus he has no need for crude items such as “dish racks”. Moreover, as circumstances dictate, a Real Man can survive using those three appliances alone.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
11) I pinned a half-dozen “tweets” with my 12 gauge on opening day of Dove season. Beyond that, who the heck has time for Twitter?
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
12) Upon realizing, mid-shower, that his soap is almost gone, a Real Man uses every last molecule of the soap then says “screw it” and makes use of his shampoo on the rest of his body. After all, soap is soap, right?
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
13) A Real Man only cares about Wu-Tang if Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan is using it to cave in the head of a bad guy.
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
14) A Real Man does not engage in grocery shopping – ever. The only exceptions to this are convenience stores.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
15) A Real Man’s children can detect his mood, based on how severely his wife chews him out for scuffing up the linoleum with his hunting or work boots.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
16) Like the Modern Man, a Real Man also lies on the side of the bed closest to the door – in order to insure that wife is never between an intruder and his .40 S&W Glock.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
17) Melon Baller….WTH? The only time a Real Man uses the word “baller” is when describing himself and/or his skills. In the rare event that a Real Man needs to reduce large fruits into small pieces, his culinary brand of choice is S.O.G. and his preferred work station is the tailgate of his Chevy Silverado.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
18) A Real Man thinks of one type of horn… the kind that grows on the heads of animals.
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
19) A Real Man buys flowers exactly three times every year; Valentines Day, Mother’s Day and his wife’s birthday. When he forgets, he buys chocolate-covered strawberries to make up for it.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
20) When a Real Man is feeling down or vulnerable, he invites some friends over, cracks a cold one and plays Call of Duty on his X-BOX 360. Fixes everything!
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
21) A Real Man laughs and asks “get any on you?” when his daughter sneezed food of any kind all over.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
22) A Real Man enjoys being half naked any chance he gets and particularly enjoys going commando under his work clothes.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
23) When a Real Man has a chance to watch movies – other than hunting videos and car accidents on YouTube – he tends to watch John Wayne or Clint Eastwood.
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
24) A Real Man does not care about his phone enough to worry about the battery. In fact, most of the time, if he lets it die on accident, he enjoys the peace and quiet.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
25) A Real Man measures his “manliness” in terms of how many guns he owns. A Real Man also uses guns to relate to other Real Men, thereby weeding out Modern Men from his inner circle.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
26) A Real Man also cries, and cries often… Then he turns 5 and stops, in order to avoid being labelled as a “wuss” by all of his buddies.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
27) A Real Man doesn’t care if he can dance or not, when the time is right, he JUST DOES IT!
I’m guessing the person at the New York Times who wrote the original piece would also be weeded out from John’s inner circle. They would probably both be happier that way…